Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
