I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize
