the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
