dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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