I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
