She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
