So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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