I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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