someone threw a dead crab at me
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
