Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
