do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
