dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
How naked do you want me to be?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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