Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He shit in the fireplace
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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