genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
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