I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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