Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
