So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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