Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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