I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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