You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
