ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
