The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
