alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
