she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
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