Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
