see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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