dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
farters have to be the big spoon...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
