You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
