rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
