Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
