Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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