Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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