omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
