I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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