she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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