Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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