I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
