well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It's blow job season.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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