people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
