I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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