do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
