My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
