just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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