How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Randomize
