Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
40s are totally the cure
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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