Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
