drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
oh god the rape fog is back!
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
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