Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
