We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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