3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
