all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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